Roadblocks. Everywhere Roadblocks.
I've been trying to buy groceries for almost two weeks. I dropped off a prescription a week ago. Today I finally have it together to drive to Superior, pick up my meds and buy some food.
My truck has a flat tire.
The tube may be punctured, or the problem in the valve stem has become worse. It doesn't matter. I can't deal with AAA or anyone else besides the people at the pharmacy and the grocery store, as they were the ones I was prepped for. I tried pumping it up, but even after jacking up the truck, inflating the tire to the point I could drive a mile and a half without fucking up anything is beyond the capacity of the bellows pump I have. Although I've used it before, for some reason the can of fix-a-flat was too complicated for me to operate.
I gave up after about half an hour. An unusually short time. Either I immediately collapse into despair or I worry at something until it's solved, I've tried every possible solution - no matter how ridiculous or unlikely they are to work - numerous times, or I finally give in to exhaustion. Whatever it is that is causing me to be wiped out after something like vacuuming or just 20 minutes of Yoga, plus the depression and depression-induced absence of appetite, reduced my usual never surrender attitude from hours (days, weeks, months, years - it all depends on what the problem is) to thirty minutes.
Lately it seems like there is nothing but obstacles in my attempts to do anything. It's hard enough for me to just get motivated to deal with my life, I'd rather completely ignore it, but when I try to accomplish the least little things some random event has to happen to make it all the more difficult. If life is a journey, why does it have to be filled with so many fucking roadblocks and detours over shitty roads through bad neighborhoods? I used to like getting lost, but that was when I had it together. More or less. Now that I'm barely functional, getting lost really, really fucks things up.
The agoraphobia and social anxiety are getting so much worse, and depression exacerbates them. My latest theory on why they suck so much more these days: it's become much more difficult for me to pass as an NT. Which is ironic, because autism, especially being in the Asperger's part of the spectrum, is socially acceptable. So I shouldn't have a problem with people knowing I'm autistic, but I must be really fucking crazy to not give a rat's ass about people knowing I'm bipolar and have been in a psych hospital. From an intellectual perspective I don't care, but in the real world I can't deal with people as I really am. I've spent so much time passing as an NT it's automatic; it would be more work to not do so in public. Either way I don't have the emotional energy to deal with people.
Looks like another day, or two, to be spent watching DVDs and dwelling on my mistakes. While I like the isolation I have, and would feel vastly more lonely were I surrounded by people in an urban area, or anywhere with a population density greater than...something more than the 5 per square mile I now enjoy, I miss a lot of things. The two I really need are food that is delivered and being able to shop at 3:00 a.m. I could theoretically drive to Missoula to shop at 3:00 a.m., and if this depression shows no sign of letting up I might just start doing that. Make that 4:30, as I don't want to be on I-90 soon after the bars close.
Assuming I ever get that fucking flat taken care of.
"The dead do not have problems." - Kai, Last of the Brunnen G. Lexx episode 4.5 "Xevivor"
My truck has a flat tire.
The tube may be punctured, or the problem in the valve stem has become worse. It doesn't matter. I can't deal with AAA or anyone else besides the people at the pharmacy and the grocery store, as they were the ones I was prepped for. I tried pumping it up, but even after jacking up the truck, inflating the tire to the point I could drive a mile and a half without fucking up anything is beyond the capacity of the bellows pump I have. Although I've used it before, for some reason the can of fix-a-flat was too complicated for me to operate.
I gave up after about half an hour. An unusually short time. Either I immediately collapse into despair or I worry at something until it's solved, I've tried every possible solution - no matter how ridiculous or unlikely they are to work - numerous times, or I finally give in to exhaustion. Whatever it is that is causing me to be wiped out after something like vacuuming or just 20 minutes of Yoga, plus the depression and depression-induced absence of appetite, reduced my usual never surrender attitude from hours (days, weeks, months, years - it all depends on what the problem is) to thirty minutes.
Lately it seems like there is nothing but obstacles in my attempts to do anything. It's hard enough for me to just get motivated to deal with my life, I'd rather completely ignore it, but when I try to accomplish the least little things some random event has to happen to make it all the more difficult. If life is a journey, why does it have to be filled with so many fucking roadblocks and detours over shitty roads through bad neighborhoods? I used to like getting lost, but that was when I had it together. More or less. Now that I'm barely functional, getting lost really, really fucks things up.
The agoraphobia and social anxiety are getting so much worse, and depression exacerbates them. My latest theory on why they suck so much more these days: it's become much more difficult for me to pass as an NT. Which is ironic, because autism, especially being in the Asperger's part of the spectrum, is socially acceptable. So I shouldn't have a problem with people knowing I'm autistic, but I must be really fucking crazy to not give a rat's ass about people knowing I'm bipolar and have been in a psych hospital. From an intellectual perspective I don't care, but in the real world I can't deal with people as I really am. I've spent so much time passing as an NT it's automatic; it would be more work to not do so in public. Either way I don't have the emotional energy to deal with people.
Looks like another day, or two, to be spent watching DVDs and dwelling on my mistakes. While I like the isolation I have, and would feel vastly more lonely were I surrounded by people in an urban area, or anywhere with a population density greater than...something more than the 5 per square mile I now enjoy, I miss a lot of things. The two I really need are food that is delivered and being able to shop at 3:00 a.m. I could theoretically drive to Missoula to shop at 3:00 a.m., and if this depression shows no sign of letting up I might just start doing that. Make that 4:30, as I don't want to be on I-90 soon after the bars close.
Assuming I ever get that fucking flat taken care of.
"The dead do not have problems." - Kai, Last of the Brunnen G. Lexx episode 4.5 "Xevivor"
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3 comments:
Gosh we sound alike. I'm sorry it is so hard right now...
"Which is ironic, because autism, especially being in the Asperger's part of the spectrum, is socially acceptable"
Well... in theory, maybe.
The reality is that everyone has a neat little box they've created with their misconception about the entire spectrum, or just any stop along the way.
So if you identify as autistic in any manner, but they can't seem to fit you into the [usually totally misshapen] box that particular person likes to call autism, there is usually a recoil. A sense of disbelief, of "that's not really autism".
It's kind of like expecting to drink milk and picking up a glass of orange juice instead. You think at first you have just tasted a nasty, expired dairy product.
It was still a perfectly fine beverage, just not what you were expecting.
Excuse the tangential relations.
Josie,
You're right about people's misconceptions, and there's no fighting stupidity, especially when it's mixed with, or is the origin of, someone's personal bigotry. All the more reason for me to pass when in public. I've come to expect people to not want to deal with me for being bipolar and epileptic, and I usually don't really care, but I'll start to lose it if they don't want to deal with me, my daughter, or anyone else who is autistic.
I'm about as typical as you get for someone in the Asperger's section of the spectrum. Most of the traits I need to suppress in order to successfully function in the real world don't need a listing in the DSM: pedantic arrogance, an impatiently short fuse, and so forth. If I were as rude as I wanted to be some days I could probably stim all I wanted to and generally be as weird as fuck and no one would notice.
It's the most obvious differential of ASSperger's that is the easiest control - having some common fucking courtesy. Unfortunately that is not enough. I need to pass completely in order to feel safe.
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