Batshit Crazy & Medicated for your Protection

The boring life of Jerod Poore, Crazymeds' Chief Citizen Medical Expert.

Internet Radio Sucks Syphilitic Donkey Dong

How the fuck am I supposed to avoid my life by losing myself in my work if I don't have a good soundtrack? I now need to restart Spotify and (in that order) after five or six songs.  And it's now impossible to skip something when the YouTube selection is some fucked-up cell phone-recorded live performance of an artist who consistently does awful live performances.  Anyone who has had the misfortune of seeing J.G. Thirwell (Foetus) live knows what I mean.

Spotify:  No equivalent to's randomly playing my library.  The closest I get is playing it in alphabetical order or by length of song.  It keeps dropping songs I've repeatedly added.  Is there an upper limit to the number of songs you can have in your library?  Not only do they have a shitload of ads, they have a shitload of ads featuring people using Auto-Tune, so I have to keep turning off my speakers.  Upgrade?  With what money?

Pandora:  Sounds like a CD player on permanent skip.  Plus huge gaps in their database of artists.

KEXP and other stations that still stream now that iTunes doesn't carry them: The CD-skipping effect isn't as bad as Pandora, but it's still bad.  And more talented idiots are using Auto-Tune when they don't need to, so I have to turn off the speakers.  But the taskbar doesn't show me the song title unless the cursor is on it, and that is delayed anyway, so I keep missing parts of other songs.

Satellite radio: It comes with my satellite TV service, so, radio on the TV.  Not Internet radio, but close enough.  In addition to being mostly genre-specific, and I like a lot of variety, I'm stuck with things like nostalgia and jazz stations because of the increasing use of fucking Auto-Tune.

What's my problem with Auto-Tune?  It physically hurts.  Fingernails on chalkboards don't bother me.  Sirens don't bother me.  Auto-Tune causes eardrum-shredding pain.  It has to be an autism thing because my daughter and many of her friends have a similar reaction.

I don't understand how someone singing in an empty room with bad acoustics while failing to harmonize with Stephen Hawking is supposed to sound pleasant.  Especially if they're singing off key, because it doesn't fix that.  Why the fuck do people like Megan James (Purity Ring) and Lauren Mayberry (CHVRCHES) use it?  Their voices don't need any help.

Fucking #whitepeopleproblems #firstworldproblems

Sleepwalking in Saint Regis

Sunday night / Monday morning (05 October / 06 October) I was on another nocturnal mission.

I awoke yesterday with a really bad headache and overall sense of malaise.  When I let the cats out I saw the side door to the shop/outbuilding/garage was open.  It was pretty obvious what happened.

I couldn't tell if I had driven anywhere, as I no longer record the mileage - that served its purpose by determining I do sleep drive.  I had rolled down the driver's side window - something I often do when sleep driving, or just sitting in my pickup while in that twilight state.  I suspect I did drive, as the truck seemed to be not quite where parked it.  As I no longer trust my memory all that much, I can't be sure.  It would only matter if I kept a diary of these events, continued to log mileage to know for sure if I drove anywhere in my sleep, and attempted to match hangover symptoms with activities.  Perhaps with the help of strategically placed webcams.  But to what end?  I don't do this nightly.  It happens once a month, if that. 

Regardless of driving or not, I didn't hide the garage-door opener this time, and that's what really matters.

One thing I have been tracking is how my sleep pattern is really different when I sleepwalk, even if what it typically is changes.  These days I usually wake up 2-3 hours after going to sleep, drink some water, go back to sleep anywhere from one minute to over an hour later, and repeat the process every 30 to 60 minutes after that.  When I wander around at night I don't wake up for five, six, even seven hours.  The only other time I'll sleep for six or more uninterrupted hours is if I take a benzo.

Interrupted sleep is normal for me.  For most of my life a typical night was four hours of sleep, 5-60 minutes of being awake, two hours of sleep, 5-60 minutes of being awake, an hour of sleep, then waking up and figuring out if I need more sleep our not.

If my now-unreliable memory is to be trusted, I slept through the night as a child only when I woke up with a bad headache and otherwise feeling sick.  As opposed to all those times I woke up, sometimes on the floor, after a night of the normal sleep pattern, feeling really sick after the scary dreams and having wet the bed.  Now I know those to be signs of having had one or more severe nocturnal secondarily generalized seizures.

That stopped when I was nine or ten.  The partial seizures when I was awake, presenting as visual distortions, continued until I was 24 (that was 1986) and took lithium.  The generalized seizures returned, the partial seizures got worse, and nothing has been the same since.  But I was also flipping the fuck out with bipolar disorder and other stuff was going on, so it's not entirely lithium's fault.

This Place Ain't What It Used to Be

I've been ill for over a week.  It's whatever the fuck I had last time, only worse.  I may not be the only person in the area with it, as my newspaper neighbor - the only person interested in the Missoulian who lives beyond the end of the carrier's route (AKA my property) - has been letting his papers accumulate in his box as well.  That rarely happens.  A few other services no longer go much further than where I live, as a couple of trash bins and a mail box have sprouted just over the cattle guard (think supersized storm drain).

My neighbors put their house up for sale a couple years ago and it sold, along with a couple others that have been on the market for at least 12 years.  Next door (i.e. 100 yards from my house) there are goats (which I'm OK with) and a passel of kids who seem to be home-schooled.  Given this is Montana my money is on their not being vaccinated.  Fortunately I had my shots earlier this year, and I know the pertussis vaccination works for at least eight years; and I didn't get rabies after handling a rabid bat that drooled on an open cut after getting the rabies series.  I'm not all that worried, it's just the principle.  Plus I could be wrong, and they've had all their shots.  Even if they don't get flu shots I'd get it anyway.

What really bothers me is some asshole with a boom-boom car moved here.  Why the fuck would someone who drives one of those things move out here?  The only scenario that makes sense is he lives with his parents, they moved here, and it's not his idea.

Thursday I badly needed groceries, so I managed to make it to Saint Regis to get some food, and grabbed the mail and newspapers on my way back.  When I get inside I notice that not all of the papers are there.

I didn't get the paper on Friday.  Today I felt well enough to get the papers this morning, and found only today's.  My neighbor's box had only last Sunday's.  The carrier never removes papers.

Someone has been lifting the newspapers.

What's next, the mail?  I don't get the mail every day, and when I do get it I usually do so when I'm walking the cats around nine or ten at night.

I moved out here to get away from that sort of shit.

The bright side: less culture shock if I ever manage to get the money to move to Seattle.

Mind's Eye Blind

This has been bugging the shit out of me since I heard it a few of nights ago:
I've always taken "mind's eye" and "to visualize something" as metaphors.   As in, "The only time you see anything when your eyes are closed is when you're dreaming." Or if you have some kind of special gift that let's you do that.

Then I heard that story and learned 95% of the planet can conjure up an image of some sort if they want to.

This isn't a side effect of meds or complications from kindling due to seizures and mood swings.  I've never been able to visualize shit.  My entire life.  

While it explains my nearly-nonexistent visual memory, I feel really cheated. If most people can close their eyes and see their past or what's written in a book why the hell is television so popular?

I don't understand why this is bothering me so much, it just is.  It's not as if something has been taken away from me.

Full sensory dreaming doesn't make up for.  Especially now, with my memory being so fucked-up I'm having difficulty differentiating between real experiences and dreams.

If I could visualize things behind closed eyes I would probably spend every day in bed remembering a life less fucked-up than the one I have now.  I can't tell if that would be a better way to deal with things or not, because by not trying it's impossible to fail.  I don't know how much more failure I can deal with.

Epilepsy Walk with Me.

Given how hungover I feel today I'm convinced that some of my sleepwalking events are complex partial seizures.  

I can divide the events into two broad categories:

Doing something marginally useful (exercising, light housework, etc.)

Doing shit that makes absolutely no sense.

When I do something in the first category I don't always wake up with a hangover, or it's a very mild hangover, so I'm not sure if whatever happened was due to epileptic activity.  Assuming the sleepwalking is a separate form of brain weirdness in the first place.

When I do something in the second category it has to be related to epilepsy.  Like last night, when I moved the trash bin.  I had put it out for collection in its usual spot.  During some long-ass complex partial seizure I got up, went outside, and moved it 20 feet.

Oh well.  At least I woke up.

Why Bother?

I have been so fucking depressed for the last six, maybe seven months.  I don't know why I bother getting out of bed.  Sisyphus had a more meaningful existence.

Disc Earth

What was the 19th century equivalent of Intelligent Design?  Pretty much the same thing, but with the added bonus of not just an Earth-centric universe, but a Flat Earth-centric universe!  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Disc Earth:
(Click on it to see it at full size on Wikipedia Commons.  You need to see it at full size to truly appreciate the the full-on, gonzo, Bible-based pseudoscience.)


I guess that, like today's believers in a 6,000-year-old Earth where everything was created, as it now is, by their version of God, they are incapable of understanding science and just refuse to admit that.

C'mon folks, it's not that difficult.  Once upon a time I used to be a top-flight programmer, now I can't code my way out of a paper bag.  I'm now unable to grasp the finer points of the mechanics behind how the Internet works.  I have absolutely no clue about how a lot of stuff works.  There should be no shame in admitting you just aren't able to understand something.

The same applies to everyone who does understand science.  Stop looking down on people who can't get it and accept that some people never will.  That doesn't make them any less worthwhile as people.  They can probably understand or do things you can't and never will be able to.

Antique space maps via bOINGbOING and Atlas Obscura.

Asleep at the Wheel - No Ambien Required

Looks like I'm sleep driving after all.

Where do I go and what do I do?  I didn't go very far last time, as Saint Regis is farther than a 2-mile round trip, and that was the difference on the odometer from the last time I intentionally went somewhere and when I left to get some groceries this morning.

This probably explains what happened to the missing garage door opener.  As I didn't put it in the freezer I must not have considered it to be important.  Or didn't think it needed safekeeping.

It also explains a couple of occasions why my keys and driving glasses weren't where I thought I had left them.  My meds- and brain cooties-impaired memory may not be as meds- and brain cooties-impaired as I thought.

I'll leave myself a note in the car about the opener.  Maybe I'll be able to find it the next time I go for a somnambulistic excursion.

Retail Therapy

It's a fucking struggle to do anything.

I've been trying to buy groceries for over a week.  Even shopping online is too much effort.

Yet at the same time I feel as if buying a bunch of kitchen gadgets will solve all my problems.  I haven't thought like that for 13 years.

Once upon a time I could go garage saling, looking for obscure utensils.  Even if it was something I'd never use, a couple of cheap, culinary geegaws would frequently cheer me up.

Now that it's no longer a good idea for me to do any cooking more complicated than rice, the urge to buy kitchen gadgets is a sick joke my brain is playing on me.

What would really be useful: updated glasses.  The depression has reached that point of intensity and duration where it permanently affects my vision.  This has happened to me often.  I can go years without needing an adjustment in my lens prescriptions, or maybe just minor ones.  But there comes a time during these long-running periods of intense depression when my vision will begin to rapidly deteriorate and I need a significant change in my lenses.

The problem is: there's no point in seeing an eye doctor until it's over, as my eyes are just going to get worse until this episode is over.

I'm well aware of outdated lens prescriptions triggering depression.  That's not how it works with me.

Of course this has to hit me this time of year.  I'm much more depressed when the sun is out.  I've tried going nocturnal, but it doesn't work.

I'd really hate my life if I bothered to care enough about it.

Artifact from the Big Iron Age

This is what coding looked like from the 1980s through early 2000s.  Back when I could code my way out of a paper bag.  

There are probably all sorts of legacy systems still running on RPG, nurtured by tenured programmers who have no fear of ever being fired, because they are the only ones who know how the damned things work.

File Under: Why Bother?

Banging my head against the wall trying to make the wiki software do something that it probably can't do.  More likely can, but I just can't see how.

But it's a more attractive proposition than working on other stuff, because it reminds me of my life from 20 years ago when I could code my way out of a paper bag.

And I didn't hide from dealing with non-work aspects of said life. 

Working on something other than Crazymeds seems pointless in any event.

You're Killing Me, AdSense

Seriously Google?  Three ads for Dunkin' Donuts on the Wellubtrin page but only one on the Remeron page?

Don’t you read what I write?

At any dosage it will make you crave doughnuts. Seriously. You will want to invest in Krispy Kreme stock (or maybe something along similar lines that isn’t tanking); as Remeron’s antagonism of the serotonin 5HT2C and H1 receptors gives you the munchies for carbohydrates and sugars like you were 16 and smoking the best pot ever in the parking lot of a strip mall with a 24-hour doughnut shop beckoning you with glazed and jelly-filled ecstasy. People dipping spoons into a bag of sugar and eating it as is – not unheard of when on Remeron. This stuff is nothing more than legal marijuana, and if I knew crap about biochemistry I could probably prove that crazy statement.

People who take Wellbutrin don’t want to eat anything. It’s the “happy, skinny, horny pill”, remember? People who take Remeron want to eat doughnuts all day long.

Since writing the above comments on the Remeron page I've learned Remeron is also a 5HT1A agonist, and that is a key part of the sugar-and-carb-craving MOA.  I know this because my daughter and I each take a different TCA, and we both added BuSpar to our cocktails.  BuSpar + TCA = Remeron, and we've been craving doughnuts ever since.  It's hit me a lot harder, probably because there are gluten-free doughnuts she can eat, but none that I can.

This post is brought to you by:

And we're back.

The rebuild is 95% complete. I've reopened the forum. It will be slow going until morning, but better than nothing, right? 

Offline Means Offline

Some bug in the forum software has allowed people to log onto the forum and read it while it was offline COMPLETELY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF TAKING IT OFFLINE TO SPEEDUP THE REBUILD!!!! THANKS LOADS, EVERYONE!!!

I've had to put in a hard restriction of the forum to my IP address.  Hence the 403 forbidden message.

No wonder the maintenance during some of the upgrades took for fucking ever.  That wasn't cache weirdness I was seeing in the online users list.  Those were people logged on when I said not to be logged on.

Forum & Blogs offline

The Crazy Talk forum and blogs are temporarily offline until the fucking rebuild/resync of the new RAID array is done.

The Wiki may go offline as well.

Update: at 61% rebuild/resync. Noticeably faster with forum offline. 


Update: 78% complete.  Now I have to figure out if we're in the land of diminishing returns or not.  When it comes to keeping the forum offline.

What the FUCK?!?!

I don't know what the fuck is going on with #Crazymeds, and why it's taking forever for pages to load.  It could be one or more of:

The new ads on the forum 
Another disc drive problem
All the bruteforce attempts to hack the server we've been having lately

The upgrade is an unlikely cause as the problem is site-wide.  I'm having problems with telnet as well, but I see wiki pages OK, albeit slowly.  

I'm having lots of connectivity problems in general, as some sites are freezing, timing out, etc. and some aren't.  Lunarpages support pages aren't coming up, but others are.  gmail and G+ take forever to load.  Tumblr isn't showing up.   I can't connect to the ad server sites to temporarily disable the ads on the  forum from that end since I can't get to the forum admin page without timing out.



I was finally able to get a connection to the Lunarpages support site. It turns out that a second RAID array was needed, because the forum is getting so huge. It's taking a long-ass time to sync all 120G of the data. Hence everything being slow as molasses.

As of 4:00 PM Mountain still-not-on-daylight-insanity-Time (2300 GMT) The rebuild/resynchronization is at 55%. Expect the long-ass response times to last well into tomorrow. 

Crazymeds Down

Crazymeds is down.  Looks like a hardware failure.  I'll keep you posted.



OK, we're back up. There's a faulty drive.  A new one will be installed 1600 PST (2300 GMT) Friday 19 March.  Expect some more down time, but the guys at Lunarpages are really quick about swapping drives, so it won't be too long. 


That should read Thursday (AKA Today) 19 March.  I've been unstuck in time lately.

Happy 100th Birthday World War 1 (the 2nd)

In honor of the WWI centenary I present the 1914 War Map of Europe:
Click to Enlarge
Aside from being its being in pretty bad shape - it was over 90 years old and pretty tattered when I bought it, and at 47.5 by 36 inches it is not suitable for framing - this map has a lot of things besides a few intentional or unintentional errors to make it unique.

Not that they needed to use any intentional errors to protect their copyright, as they used the information overload style popular in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and still popular with the cartographers with National Geographic and the Encyclopedia Britannica.  From what I've been able to find, this is Pitman's improved adjustable war map of Europe, which is really most of H. Buchardt Petersen's Map of Europe published by the A.R. Ohman Map Co.  Whom Pitman has actually credited.  I haven't been able to find any pictures of either, just listings in a couple of library catalogs, the Library of Congress' A List of Atlases and Maps Applicable to the World War and a couple of antiquarian book listings (in the shape it's in I'd guess mine's worth between US$100 & US$200).

By "most" I mean it's obvious (even with my atrocious photography) part of the map is missing.  Note how names are cropped:
It's even blurrier up close
Why was part of the map cut off?  To make room for the sidebar of of information about demographics, infrastructure, and the militaries of the combatant nations, or ones that, at the time, seemed likely to join the festivities.  Appending these sorts of data to maps was popular in atlases of the time, but this is the only instance where I've seen it done on a map independent of an atlas:

I Guess Size Does Matter
Something I've never seen in an atlas is pictures of the heads of state.  Which makes sense, as atlases are supposed to last longer than the reigns of kings.  Or something like that:
Europe's Most Wanted
Note the bullshit term "Mikado" for Japan's Emperor that was popular at the time.  Missing from the pictures is the inbreeding.  King George and Emperor William were both grandsons of Queen Victoria.  Czar Nicholas was a first cousin of King George (their mothers were sisters), and his wife was a granddaughter of Queen Victoria, thus a first cousin of George and William.  No wonder his son was a hemophiliac.  Another grandchild of Victoria, their cousin Marie, was married to the King of Romania, and William's daughter Sophia was married to the King of Greece.  It could have been worse.  Franz Joseph may have lost his heirs to suicide and Balkan anarchists, but he managed to avoid the Habsburg Jaw.  Granted, the Habsburgs managed to inbreed themselves into extinction 50 years before Franz Joseph was born, but you never can tell.

Back to the cartography.  For some reason someone, my guess is Pitman, thought it necessary to slap the name of each country in big, red letters near, or over, the same name that was already there in large, black letters in a typeface reserved for country names.

Most glaring error: Misspelling Luxembourg in big red letters:
Who Cares About Those Luxembourgers Anyway?
Bonus irony points: Luxembourg the country isn't identified in black letters with the appropriate typeface, just the capital city.  That may have been an intentional error of omission.

Close second: Making the Balearic Islands look like they belong to France.  That, however, could have been the printer's fault.  Some of the Greek islands, notably Corfu, look as if they belong to Serbia.  Yes, it's spelled "Servia" all over the place.  It was often spelled that way in the US, especially in places with a large Greek population, like New York City.  Anyway it's annoying that neither Buchardt nor Pitman bothered to identify which islands belonged to whom.  Then again, it may have been expected that the audience for this map was going to know that sort of thing.  Even Gibraltar has no indication that it was a British possession.  An atlas I have from 1907 is the same way.  The prevailing attitude seems to have been: If you didn't learn that in school you have no business looking at our fine cartographic products.  This sucker cost $1.50 in 1914, when the average worker, who never attended high school, was making around $2 a day.
Except, they did indicate a couple of things were Spanish:
Mistakes Were Made
I guess these are intentional errors used as copyright protectors.  Ceuta wasn't an island then and it isn't now, although it is still a Spanish enclave in Morocco.  Perejil 'Island' is little more than a large rock poking above the surface of the Mediterranean.  Spain is still holding onto its claim of it, because you never know what you'll find under the seabed in a three mile radius ... or however the hell they determine who gets what where in a narrow strait with three countries involved.  Listing anything in Morocco visible on this map as being Spanish is redundant, as all of northern Morocco was a Spanish 'protectorate' by 1912, but listing only three of the named features as such implies that the rest aren't Spanish, and thus incorrect.

If you think this is obsessive, you should hear me yell at the Hitler Channels whenever they display incorrect maps.

And what the fuck do I mean by World War 1 the 2nd?  WWI was the first global conflict fought where most combatant nations used all-out total war - where each nation uses practically, if not actually all of its resources, infrastructure, policies, and social structures, for the war effort - but it was the second truly global conflict.  The first, where the concept of total war began, is generally considered a series of wars that happened 100 years prior to WWI: the Napoleonic wars of the late 18th and early 19th centuries.  They are not so much a series of wars with a bunch of treaties everyone ignored than a single prolonged war fought at a much slower pace than today, with more time between battles.  Battles that were fought in Europe, Africa, Asia (barely), the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, the Caribbean Sea, and North America.  The US was involved as well.  Our disastrous War of 1812 was siding with Napoleon for his original reasons (spreading revolutionary democracy) as well as getting tired of having our ships stolen and sailors kidnapped by the British Navy.  We botched it for a lot of reasons, like joining in on the fun several years too late and not taking the invasion of Canada seriously.

While the war was basically between the French and British empires, it really pitted France, and later Denmark (after it was attacked by England for being in the way), a newly liberated Poland, Persia (briefly), and eventually the US, against England, Russia, Sweden, Sardinia (it was an important country back then), the Ottoman Empire (thus the battles in Africa and Asia), and whatever countries failed to keep Napoleon from conquering them, including Switzerland.  Prussia, Spain and Austria fought on both sides at one time or another.  So did some other countries, but they weren't seriously on Napoleon's side.

The aspects of total war developed at the time included the mass conscription of soldiers and having most of the industrial output of France and England being dedicated to producing war matériel.  There were also insurgencies in occupied countries, most notably Spain, and brutal repression of same.  Modern guerrilla tactics were born during Napoleon's occupation of Spain, and they haven't had to change much in 200 years.  While they didn't invent it, nobody does scorched earth like the Russians.  Invading Russia is a sucker's game.  For the technology available at the time, the Napoleonic Wars were the closest thing to total war seen until the American civil war, the first true total war.

We Don’t Have a Monopoly on Bigotry

Apparently President Obama doesn’t know what it is like to be a member of an oppressed minority.  

Let’s change one word in what Mr. Obama said.

“We don’t have a monopoly on black people.”

Look at Nigeria, the Central African Republic, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  The black people there are killing each other by the hundreds, thousands, and millions over religious and ethnic differences.  In the United States the same thing is expressed as Bloods versus Crips and East Side versus West Side.  In the 1990s it was Tutsi versus Hutu in Rwanda and Burundi.  In the US it was Tupac versus Biggie Smalls.

The United States has the best justice system in the world.  Our juries are comprised of citizens vetted by qualified attorneys who attended first-class law schools, lawyers just like the President and the First Lady.  Our prisons are full of black people for a reason.  George Zimmerman was acquitted for killing Trayvon Martin because black people are as prone to violence as crazy people.

The solution to all the violence caused by black people is simple.  Put all their names, addresses, Social Security numbers, and anything else useful in tracking them in an FBI database, accessible to anyone so they can’t buy guns at gun shows.  Or get jobs.  Or rent apartments in my neighborhood.  Some people suggest we preemptively round up all the black people and put them in jail, or camps, or send them back to Africa, or just kill them.  That seems pretty extreme, but how much violent crime do they have in Sweden or Iceland?  White people haven’t gone to war with each other over ethnic differences since the 20th century.  Muslims don’t count, because they’re worse than the blacks.

I sure as hell am glad I never ran into a crazy black person like Wesley Willis.  He would have killed me with his keyboard.  I don’t know how he found the time to make so many records when he must have been killing more people around Chicago than all the drug dealers there.

Have I spewed enough hate for you, Mr. Obama?

I’m not in the least surprised you can’t associate the fear, hatred, violence, stigma and degradation directed at the mentally ill with the exact same thing directed at African Americans, Muslims, immigrants, homosexuals, Mormons, people receiving some form of government assistance, or anyone else not considered ‘real Americans’ by whoever defines themself as a ‘real American.’  Why?  Because the mentally interesting are less than human.  We’re the one group everyone can agree is lower than undocumented terrorists who have entered this country illegally to steal the jobs of domestic terrorists.

I don’t have a problem with being called “crazy.”  I self-identify as “batshit crazy.”  Politically correct “person first” bullshit isn’t going to make things better.  It’s not the terminology that hurts, it’s everything else.

Let’s examine things a little closer.

In referring to mass shootings, especially at schools, Mr. Obama also said, “We get a new one every week it seems.”

There have been 74 shootings at schools since Sandy Hook.  I could find instances of ten, count them, 10 people with either a history, or after-the-fact diagnosis, of a mental illness of some kind who were the shooters, attempted to harm people at a school, didn’t use a gun, or merely threatened violence at a school.   Incidents in the last two groups weren’t included in the 74 incidents that made it into whatever sources are used by the media outlets quoting that figure.  Doing really bad statistical analysis by including the people who didn’t use guns or didn’t do anything in the group of crazies who shot or shot at students, that means 13.5% of the most recent school shootings were committed, or potentially committed, by lunatics.  The generally accepted figure bandied about is one person in four will have some form of mental health issue in their life, so using even more bad statistics – just like politicians and most media outlets like to do - that’s not even meeting random chance probabilities.  We. Aren’t. The. Problem.

OK Mr. Obama, let’s replace “black” with “crazy,” and do a little editing, in part of what I wrote to show you how your bigotry will just make things worse for us.

The solution to all the violence caused by crazy people is simple.  Put all their names, addresses, Social Security numbers, and anything else useful in tracking them in an FBI database, accessible to anyone so they can’t buy guns at gun shows.  Or get jobs.  Or rent apartments in my neighborhood.  Some people suggest we preemptively round up all the crazy people and put them in jail, or camps, or just kill them.  That seems pretty extreme, but how much violent crime caused by crazies do they have in Germany?

You don’t think people have seriously suggested that we get rounded up and put away, or even systematically exterminated?  Think again.  Granted, preemptive imprisonment is a far more popular idea.

Jesus didn’t have a problem with us, and got pissed off at people who did.  Including his disciples.  Matthew 17:14-20.  That’s not a particularly obscure passage.  Give it a read, Mr. President, and rethink your bigotry.

Where’s NAMBLA NAMI?  How come they haven’t posted anything about what President Obama said?  Isn’t fighting bigotry and stigma supposed to be their job?  Oh, wait.  They’re totally into perpetuating the myth that mental illness = violence.  No, really.  Killing lots of people is just something crazy people do.  They just keep using the same press release, with a different town, shooter and body count.  They don’t expect any better of us.  We’re now nothing more to them than a reason for their existence as a professional fundraising organization.

Guess us crazies has to get all uppity about our civil rights by our own selfs.  Else we all gonna haf’ ta pass as not crazy by not goin’ to no doctors and takin’ no medicines that’ll git us in a big FBI list the whole wide world kin read.

Health Insurance Follies

I've needed to see a doctor for over a year.  Maybe even two.  I've got all sorts of symptoms that can't be written off as age, side effects, and/or depression.  I have health insurance, and I'm finally getting my act together to choose a PCP and make an appointment to see him.

Of course it can never be that easy.

First is choosing a doctor.  My insurance provider's website is one of the most user-hostile sites I've come across in some time.  My premiums hadn't been paid for three months because I thought all I needed to do to get the bills paid automagically was to sign up for it and enter all the information they need to pay the bill.  Turns out there's another page you need to go to in order to activate the fucking thing after all that.  And the first letter they sent me asking for the cash didn't arrive until two weeks after the second, which wasn't their fault, that's just how the mail is around here.  I'm glad they didn't cancel my policy.  

Trying to find a doctor through their site is painfully ... I don't know what the fuck they were trying to accomplish.  You can enter only one. parameter. at. a. time. regarding where you live, how far you're willing to drive, what sort of doctor you want to find, and what sort of coverage you have.  I can understand if they coded it that way in an attempt to speed things up, but the only thing it sped up that I can think of is how fast the code monkeys delivered it, because that's just lazy-ass coding.  Worst of all is the selection based on your coverage.  I can't remember what type of coverage I selected.  Can I look that up anywhere?  No.  It tells me where on the Olympic podium my plan is, but it doesn't tell me which network option I chose.  It's not on my card either.  As far as picking a local PCP is concerned, it didn't make any difference, but when it came to finding a shrink, therapist, and neurologist, I may as well just ignore their site and pick doctors based on whatever other info I can find.  Most of the shrinks they have are at the clinic where I went when I first moved to Missoula.  The clinic that was one of the reasons why I moved up here.  The clinic where every shrink I saw there retired on me and the EEG registered inconclusive when I was having a fucking aura during the test.  And the info they provide when comparing doctors is content-free.

Looking through the website of the regional health center to find a doctor was enlightening.  Two osteopaths (no thanks), three MDs, and five PAs.  Normally I would have gone with one of the PAs, but I think I need stronger medicine.  So of the three docs: 

One's an ENT.  Other than frequent nosebleeds, which are probably a side effect of fish oil as I used to get them all the time when I was a kid, and the occasional bout of tinnitus, those parts of me are OK.

One is ex-Navy who looks like he could play the part of a Navy doctor in a movie set on a ship during WWII.  He specializes in sticking things inside you and, based upon the results, cutting out stuff that's between your ribcage and thighs.  Ex-military I'm OK with.  I think I'd have a hard time convincing him I'd rather live with frequent minor kidney stones than seizures, or this fucking jamais vu I'm currently experiencing.

The third one is the Chief of Staff who specializes in family medicine and sports medicine.

The PAs are looking better and better.

I go with the Chief of Staff because he's also close to being a diagnostician, and that's what I really need.

So that's all set up.  The insurance company's website is happy I selected a PCP.  But it wants to know why I changed PCPs, and I can't update my policy without telling it something.  Selecting one because you enrolled in a new policy isn't an option.  Previous doc chosen in error is.

But can I make an appointment online?  Through either site?

Of course not.

I still have to deal with the phone.

I've been needing to make all sorts of fucking phone calls for three fucking weeks now.

On top of all that they limit prescriptions to 100 pills per fill.  That's 17 days of protriptyline, 20 days of 25mg topiramate and 25 days of buspirone.  My drug regimen is difficult enough as it is.  Not being able to get all my refills at once just makes my life that much more of a pain in the ass. 

I really need somebody to manage my life for me.